For the past few months, scratch-that, a few years, I’ve been guilty of something. It was the guilt of putting things off, especially that ‘project’ everyone has been counting on since it was released. A writer’s block? Not so much. I used to call it that until I recently learned about my disability …procrastination.
I once made a vow to myself to never be this type of person, and after my visit to Seattle, just right after a coffee with an old friend, it dawned on me, I lost my voice. Not physically, but lost my ability to speak out and share my opinions. The question was a simple one, and he asked this while he stuffs greens down his throat, “So how’s that second book coming along?”
For a second, I sat there, staring blankly into emptiness filled with guilt. That guilt slowly took me places. The first two years dealt with getting over an ex. Followed by a six-month process of self-reinvention. Then a year and half of partying in L.A. (behaving like a child celeb, wasting away on drinks and drag queens), and a year or two of recovery from all the partying, which eventually gave me enough courage to look up the word career. By the time I landed a secured job in Seattle, I had found myself sitting outside of a coffeehouse seeking validation from an old friend, James. However, more importantly, I was there asking for unneeded validation. The secured job was no a ‘dream’ job, but a means to an end. How shallow did I turn up to be? Trying to make an impression for the meal I just paid for and acting as if I didn’t care about the extra side of fries he ordered that I knew damn straight would only go to waste. I did care about the chips, but I was too sweet to say something. There again, postponing what I really should be doing …speaking my mind.
I did, however, had that moment with my head, screaming in silence: Stop dillydallying and get your shit together!
There’s a big difference between setting aside a project to reflect and setting aside a plan to get away. And that, my friend, is called laziness. I hate to say it, but lethargy became my comfort food, so drawn to it that each time I see the opportunity for it, I let it take over me. I let Netflix be in control while I binge-watch a marathon of Lost and Doctor Who. I let people tell me what to do and not do a thing about it. I let someone decide for me instead of me making my own decision. I let myself down for not doing what I love to do, which is sharing my opinion and point of views through writing.
Just how bad is procrastination? In simple terms, delay any projects now, the opportunity for inspiration and creativity will cease, and before you know it, you’re back to square one with no one else to blame, but yourself.
Today, I have spoken and felt a great release from venting through blank pages, even if it’s just in words. Even if I didn’t get to adequately express to my friend that he will soon need to cover the bill next time, I had the chance to share my thoughts and the ability to write again. The ability to tell stories has always been therapeutic. And that for me, was enough.
An obligation to speak your mind is an essential part of living. Maybe confrontation is not the best answer here, but a reason to be heard is vital. We all have a voice inside our head yearning and waiting to speak out. A thirst to express openly about our conviction and truth.
I concluded and decided to invite writers to help share their point of view, so you don’t feel left out or go with this torment alone. Think of this as a remedy for your brain and being, a way to let it all out. This place will be your corner, a chance to vent, an opportunity to share your most profound thoughts and honesty about today’s gay world. So if you have something that’s been eating you up or like to skim through what others are sharing, join us here every Thursday for a full treatment. Welcome to your first session of ThirstDay Therapy.
If you’re a writer and like to contribute to ThirstDay Therapy. We ask that you subscribe to our website. Thank you.
- J. Hamilton is an American author of Episodes Of Jaden: Waking, the first novel of the series, whose literary works were first discovered in Seattle Gay News. He’s an LGBT advocacy supporting gay rights and equality. He’s currently working on his second novel.